Juan Castillo is a custodial worker and father of ten. Like many parents of large families, Juan isn’t always able to maintain control of his household. Not long ago, Juan had difficulties managing frustrations when his kids became rowdy, disrespectful, or angry. He routinely raised his voice or shut down altogether, leaving his wife to calm him and the kids down. Juan knew he needed help finding alternatives to express his emotions and find solutions for his children in times of stress.

“We’re a big family. I want to help my kids. What can I do in a situation where two of my babies fight? We’re in the car once and both of my daughters were crying for my phone. My wife didn’t come along and I didn’t know what to do. I thought I was going to have a meltdown. I needed help.”

Eventually, Juan found help in the Fatherhood Engagement group at Para Los Niños, led by Rafael “Ralph” Guirado and Edgar Pineda. In weekly sessions, Ralph and Edgar meet with fathers to cover an intensive curriculum on emotional regulation, child growth, and support strategies. Fathers are invited to share their experiences with each other and find kinship in common struggles.

 “It’s a fatherhood group, but it’s almost a support group,” Edgar said. “Fathers learn so much more from the stories that other Dads share, and find they are not alone.”

Ralph founded the fatherhood group more than a decade ago. He had long observed how fathers in the community often struggled with contributing to their family unit beyond the basic needs of food and housing.

“We knew father’s needed help, but we didn’t know how badly they needed help,” Ralph said. “Fathers are just as important as Mothers. For us, it’s important to teach our Fathers that it’s not just about being a provider, providing food, rent and shelter. It’s about getting to know your kids, too. Getting to talk to your kids and understand what they’re doing, understand what they need, what they want.”

Throughout Edgar’s therapy work, he also noticed a trend of Fathers being excluded or removing themselves from the emotional development of their children.

“I do home visitation and therapy a lot. It’s all mothers, the Dads aren’t really involved,” Edgar said. “But sometimes the Dads aren’t involved because no one has given them the opportunity. No one has let them know that ‘Hey, you can do this. You could be nurturing; you could be caring. You could let your daughter paint your nails.’ Changing the dynamic for Dads of how they perceive their own role has been something really helpful.”

Juan first encountered Ralph while in family court, where Ralph often helps fathers in need get connected to social workers. He saw Juan as someone that could benefit from his guidance. Eager to better himself, Juan agreed to start attending weekly meetings. He soon discovered the value of nurture and found effective ways to handle stress and encourage respect in his children.

“Ralph told me not to give in. Now when we’re driving and they beg for my phone, I sing the ABCs with them. My three-year-old said ‘Dad look at the big bus!’ So we started counting the buses on the freeway. That made me grow a bit, it taught me about nurturing. Let’s bond together, let’s sing together.” 

Over the years, Ralph has provided support for fathers with a wide variety of experiences. He has experience in domestic violence intervention, anger management and child custody disputes. For some fathers, attendance is mandated by a court or social worker, but Ralph takes an encouraging approach to include everyone. To him, it matters less what circumstances brought them to the group, and more that they are present and willing to learn. 

“We ask, ‘Where are you coming from, and how can we help you?’ For me, the key thing is ‘You know what, I’m here to make you a better Dad than you already are.’ It’s placing the onus on them.” 

Juan grew up with seven siblings and never had a consistent father figure. From his experience, he understands the resistance some fathers have to this kind of Dad-focused parenting workshop. Many of them fear being perceived as weak men, subservient to their wives. There is even a word for this type of man in Juan’s community: “mandilones.” But Juan now views such fears as the perspective of an older generation that he is working to change. Today, he takes pride in doing the laundry with his wife, cooking, and spending quality time with each of his children. He recently began taking his five-month-old son to doctors’ appointments on his own. 

“I started carrying the baby, I started feeding him. I took him to the doctor by myself, and that was a big thing. I’m seeing him so much more. When I get home from work, he sees me and starts smiling and starts wanting to hug me. I love that.”  

To learn more about family services offered at Para Los Niños, visit our Wraparound Support page.